Breaking Up Is Too Easy To Do
April 2006 In and Around Town - Delta

My sister is getting divorced. His reason for leaving, among other things, was that the passion had gone out of the relationship. It seemed too much for him, with everything going on with my sister's teenage children, finances, etc.

This is not the first time I've heard this. When my first husband left, we were deciding whether to have kids. My husband decided, rather than moving forward, he'd rather move out. For him, the stress of the relationship with me was already too much.

When I started my next long-term relationship (or so I thought!), I made a conscious decision not to be so “difficult” and bother him with emotional issues, and just have fun. But a year and a half later, I decided it was time to have the dreaded, “Where are we going in this relationship” talk. A few days later, he bolted.

I decided to take a seminar on relationships. The seminar leader said that women should be the sole managers of relationships, and if they expected anything more from their men, they were asking for trouble.

I checked my watch to see what year it was. No, it wasn't 1955. A friend put it best: “That's like asking someone to ride a tandem bicycle with you and then expecting them to do all the peddling.”

So I didn't follow The Rules, or any “experts” advice, and somehow found an open and honest man, whom I've now been married to for almost 6 years. But if I've learned anything from my experiences, no marriage is safe. So I consulted a true expert -- my father, who was a divorce lawyer for 25 years. He and my mother have also been married for 47 years. I know they've had their ups and downs through the years, but somehow they made it. So I asked my dad why his business was so successful. He said one word: Ego.

“Ninety percent of mutual breakups come from the inability to swallow one's ego.” My dad said this goes for men and women. Examples of this were those who worrying that their friends had bigger houses, went on more vacations, were better-looking, and/or had sexier spouses. Many of these ego issues are related to money, which has often been cited as a source of marital discord. My dad puts it much more simply: “People don't have the strength or inclination to simply enjoy what they have.”

Another issue was adjusting to changing lifestyles as lives progress. “Young people don't have the patience to reconstruct their egos to their changing lives,” my dad said. “It seems easier to just start over.” I envision my 3-year-old with blocks, and when the structure doesn't turn out exactly how she wants, she gets mad and knocks it over.

I'm not sure if anyone particularly enjoys working on relationships. It's like having to fish a comb out of the toilet. Some people take a deep breath, reach in and clean the thing off. Others just buy a new toilet.