They Who Must Not Be Named Must Not Get Ink
October 2007 In and Around Town - Delta

All year, we've been reading all the articles and seeing all the gossip about celebrities behaving badly, going into rehab, relapsing, getting DUIs, going to jail, etc., etc., blah blah blah. The media blame the parents, the availability of alcohol and drugs to the underage but privileged, global warming, UFOs, whatever. And you know who I’m talking about so I’m not even going to bother naming any names.

Whoever it is you’re thinking of, you’re right. Besides, actually mentioning their names in print will just add fuel to the fire. American’s greatest pastime is building up their idols only to watch them gloriously fall, and then miraculously come back. And of course, the media is having a field day. But the tragedy is that a) one of them is either going to die or accidentally kill someone, and b) it sends a message to young women that, to paraphrase Dean Wormer from Animal House, that anorexic, drunk and stupid is the way to get and stay rich and famous.

The real problem is that they are not only addicted to drugs or alcohol, but they’re mostly addicted to the publicity that they get from all the dumb things they do. The solution: The government places a one-year moratorium on any mention of these people in all media. To these celebrities, this is a fate worse than jail. That one reporter who refused to read that one story on She Who Must Not Be Named had the right idea. Not only will they get no publicity – they must not be paid any money for just showing up at places. At the beginning of their careers, some of these stars actually showed some modicum of talent for singing or acting. Of course, most of these people already have more money than they know what to do with, which is probably what got them in trouble in the first place.

So you think: Then what will publicists, entertainment writers and bloggers do with all their spare time? Hmm....maybe they will have to use their imaginations and dig up some interesting stories about celebrities who are actually doing some cool things, not just conveniently forgetting to wear underpants when wearing short skirts in front of all cameras.

And even if the media insists on stooping, let's face it -- there are enough other dumb people in the world to exploit. After a few months of no publicity, maybe these people will realize that all that drinking and getting high will get them is what is gets most of us regular folks -- bad hangovers and fried-out brain cells. Then maybe they will take rehab seriously and not treat it like a week at a spa and a stunt cooked up by their publicists to make them look like they’re making a half-hearted effort to get better. And maybe they will get their careers back on track. And some of them might even start eating again.